Advice on Raising Teens

My mother-in-law suggested years ago that I write a book on raising kids. My only qualification is because I've had so many. Therefore, I should have a vast vault of  knowledge, gained from experience, to pass along. However, the opposite is true. I HAD a lot of advice, once, but through the years, "pages" have been ripped out of my book, one chapter at a time. I am now down to one page. And who wants to buy a one-page book for $25, even if the cover is really fancy?

There are just three points of advice I have left. The first is a two-parter, and I will preface it with a quote from Lord of the Rings. I read the book when I was 12 and for some reason, this quote was lodge firmly in my brain way back then. "For advice is a dangerous gift, even from the wise to the wise, as all courses may run ill."

Advice #1) Be careful who you take advice from.

Have you ever noticed that advice books on raising children are prolific for the 0-5 years and the early teen years? I have yet to see a book on what to do with your college-aged freshman. For those of you who have one, either you are laughing right now, you are clueless, or your kid is perfect. 19 is still a teen. Where are those books, huh? And then, what happens between potty training and driving/dating? I'm not seeing a lot of books written on how to deal with the ten-year old's tantrums. Or how about the nine-year-old's forgetfulness? And my final point is: have you noticed that most of those volumes and thousands of pages are written by people WITHOUT KIDS?! Seriously, those of us who have had a few are learning to keep our mouths shut. Again, the reason why I am down from hundreds of pages to one.

Part two of this point. Again, be careful who you take advice from. Many teenagers are experts on themselves. Just ask them. Actually, you don't need to ask, they just tell you freely that "you don't even know me". So, being the experts they are on themselves, they will also tell you how you should "raise" them. This is a great idea. Get advice straight from the expert. I'm just warning you that you should tread lightly here. Teenagers are not known for their altruistic tendencies and they might have an ulterior motive. For example: "Everyone else gets to stay out all night because their parents TRUST them. If you trusted me, you'd let me stay out, too!"

Advice #2) Learn to Laugh. You will need this skill. It comes in handy when you are looking for the positive among what is sometimes a mess. It helps with your sanity. And, you should practice. Endurance athlete's call this "race day simulation". You have to be prepared to follow the plan no matter what unforeseen circumstances arise. You need to simulate "race day conditions". I recommend buying the most dramatic, heart-felt movie out there. And just when the drama is reaching it's epic point and you are about to burst into heart-felt tears for the character, begin to laugh. Practice until it becomes sincere. The reason why this is "race day" training is because you watch this character grow, and develop. Through dialogue and experiences you share, you begin to care about this character. You are pulled into the plot. Enter the turning point. You SEE what is going to happen. You know what the character SHOULD do. You are an outside observer and can see clearly what is happening when your character isn't even in the scene. You warn, you talk, you bite your nails for this character. You can even get up at yell at the screen, but they just won't here you. If they go ahead with the choice, you know it might bring sadness and heart ache. And if it does, you cry for them. Then you realize it is their choice, their decision and their life but it is your hurt, too. So you cry, but you must separate out this heart-ache and learn to find the silver lining and be happy. So watch that movie, learn to laugh at the critical point, and when you can do it, you are "race ready" for your teenagers. Good Luck!

Advice #3) Always Fall to the Upside of the Hill. This is absolutely, by far, the best advice I can give. A good friend told me this gem when I was learning to mountain bike. We sometimes ride 4 inch wide trails with a literal cliff to one side. Falling to the "upside" of the mountain is a life saver. As I think about how to deal with my sometimes forgetful children, or tantrum-throwing teenagers, I repeat this in my mind. You might find deep significance in it, but I haven't yet. It's at these moments when I think, "Wow, I'm out of advice for myself and I don't know what to do," and so I repeat, "Fall to the Upside of the Hill". Because no matter what happens, this advice will always be the best I have received. It is a non-fail life-saver.

And no one-piece advice about raising children has endured the countless situations I've encountered.

Hence, my one-page blog.

Off Season/The Great "Nesting" Period of Life

Off Season for a triathlete and the span of time right before you become a parent are eerily similar. Since I've had seven kids and (now) seven "Off Seasons", the resemblance is uncanny.

At first, you are excited for something new. The same old day-to-day grind has become old. The chance to rest, relax and reconnect with family and friends is all you hope for. Reflecting on the past, discussing the future and resting, and resting and doing some more resting....

But pretty soon the realization hits that you have to do SOMETHING; relaxing is still paramount and so you begin to read and plan. You discuss and research theories of the best way to maximize your potential. Some day you will need all the insight and information you can get from others that have been through it all before. You don't want to make any mistakes. This is going to be a BIG, BETTER time in your life where you will be AWESOME and you know it!

But, the reading and research gives way to restlessness. You begin to want to DO something. ANYTHING. However, the people who know you best suggest you continue to rest. Relax. Take it easy. The next stage in your life will be here soon enough and you will be thankful for this downtime when that finally happens.

Sitting around staring at the same, four walls can make an expectant person anxious. When that happens, you begin to organize and put things away. Maybe a little light cleaning. You know, that stuff you couldn't quite get to before this "downtime". After all, you are still taking it easy, but you are beginning to feel good and it needs to be done. Good isn't Bad, so you begin to move couches, chairs, dressers and beds. You are now carrying large boxes of clutter to the trash that you didn't realize had accumulated while you were busy with your last season. Light dusting moves into frantic scouring of the floors on your knees and you wonder, "How in the world did I neglect these corners all through the last season?"

By now you are really feeling good, but you can't start working on the next phase of your life, so you tell yourself, "It's okay. I'll get it all done now. Who know when I'll get another chance to clean out all these closets?"  The next season feels just around the corner and you are "nesting"--- big time!

In your future there will be sleepless, restless nights. You will have fatigue, stress, and minor body aches that come your way and so you tell yourself to press on; make it sparkle, make it shine! You might not get to it for another nine months so it's got to be good to last. When the next season begins, you might be too tired, sick, or just have no time to even feed yourself, let alone read, study, organize and clean. Do it now!

You stop yourself only when sanity once again takes over. This happens just as you realize there is absolutely NO WAY you can clean the gutters out on a three-story house with a very steep roof pitch! It just isn't safe. It just isn't reasonable. And those explanations keep you from climbing out there and finishing that one final task.

So, I sit back and wait. And wait. With high expectations, a little bit of nerves and most of all excitement. I'm ready! Bring It!